John Mayer Replaces Mick Mars in Motley Crue

Just one day after Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars announced his retirement from touring with Motley Crue, the band has announced his replacement. A Crue spokesperson confirmed that John Mayer will be the band’s new guitarist.

Mick Mars, co-founder and lead guitarist of the heavy metal band Mötley Crüe for the past 41 years, announced today that due to his ongoing painful struggle with the fact that the other members of the band are annoying jackasses, he will no longer be able to tour with the band. Mick will continue as a member of the band, but can no longer handle the rigors of the road.

John Mayer

Crue had an emergency meeting and decided that John Mayer would be the perfect choice to be the band’s new guitarist. Other guitarists considered include, Slash, John 5, Jimmy Page, CC Deville, Kerry King, Zakk Wylde, Tony Iommi and even Jerry Lee Lewis. The band also decided that Mayer will be the band’s full time guitarist.

Motley Crue lead singer Vince Neil stated, “What is this crap about Mars continuing as a member of the band but will not tour. That sounds a whole lot like, I want to get paid for doing nothing. Well, he can forget that. Either you are in or you are out and once you are out of the Motley Crue circle of trust there is no coming back in.”

Grateful Dead

Mayer is best known for his sappy pop songs and dating a lot of Hollywood chicks. Mayer has allegedly dated Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, Lizzo, Cardi B, Madonna, Jessica Simpson and all of the Kardashians. He also replaced Jerry Garcia in the Grateful Dead and immediately ruined the band’s legacy.

Mayer commented that he was psyched to join the band. “I love the Crue and I am Metal AF” giggled Mayer. “I am basically a chameleon. Meaning that I have no soul so I can change from Pop star to hippie to metal guitarist with ease. My favorite Motley Crue song is ummm, I like that song Every Rose has thorns or something like that. That’s a Crue song right? I have to practice sticking my tongue out and doing those metal horns with my fingers. Rock on Dude.

Mayer will join Motley Crue for their 2023 world tour with Def Leppard. The tour kicks off February 18 in Mexico City. John plans to coordinate the tour with his solo work and playing with the Grateful Dead.