CHAZ Leaders Call For Help To Jon Taffer & Autonomous Zone Rescue

Earlier this week, anarchists took control of a 6 block area of Seattle which they named, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone or “CHAZ” The dim witted Mayor described the event as a block party and like Burning Man.

The first act of business was for an armed warlord to patrol the area, erect walls, limit who is allowed in and start taxing “CHAZ” citizens. With little supplies or money, the leaders of “CHAZ” are begging for donations and supplies. The citizens tried creating a farm with a few wilted vegetables, but that was taken over quickly by a homeless man. Realizing they need help, the leaders of “CHAZ” agreed to pull back the doors, bust open the books, and make a call for help to Jon Taffer and the crew on “Autonomous Zone Rescue”.

Jon Taffer is best known as the inventor of the “Butt Funnel” and as host of “Bar Rescue”. Each week, Taffer and his crew visit a failing bar/restaurant and yell, berate, throw food and humiliate the owner to tears. Then, when the owner is on the verge of suicide, Taffer agrees to upgrade the bar, rename and rebrand. Hilarity ensues and everyone lives happily ever after. 

Taffer, who also has a relationship rescue show, is excited about his new venture. “It is a fairly new concept” said Taffer, “I am excited to get a jump on the competition and show these numb nuts how to properly run an autonomous zone. The first thing that has to go is the name. ‘CHAZ’, sounds like a gay bar run by Chaz Bono. I am thinking of rebranding it to ‘ShitHole’ – now that is catchy and says it all. I can work with that. Then I need to get these leaders in some nice tight matching military uniforms. I am thinking hot pants and berets. I just helped out an Autonomous Zone in Minneapolis and we named it ‘Paisley Park’. I am a freaking genius!”

“Autonomous Zone Rescue” is slated to replace “Live PD” on A&E in July. “Live PD” was removed from the schedule in a an attempt to end racism, police brutality and the world’s problems. When asked for comment on how that was going, A&E spokesperson Josh Hollis, replied “Hey it’s a lot easier than actually fixing problems, isn’t it? This is literally the least we can do.”