Target Announces Special Looting Hours for Seniors

Target announced today that they will now offer special looting hours for the elderly, those with underlying health conditions and for pregnant women. 

“We at Target understand the difficulties some elderly looters may have during these trying times” said CEO Hugh Janus. “With that in mind, we are happy to reserve the first hour of looting for the elderly and compromised. Why should the young rioters get all the fun. As a special bonus, we will install fresh new glass for breaking. We will even provide the hammers.”

Target Offers Looting Hours For Seniors

Products that the elderly enjoy will be easily accessible as well. Janus explained, “Items such as hard candy, denture grip, Matlock DVD’s, Metamucil, Icy Hot, Depends and Catheters will be displayed on the lower shelves. We can’t have a senior breaking a hip reaching for the Werther’s Originals.”

Employees will also assist in the heavy and big ticket items. Stock workers will help load up a big TV or Stereo into a waiting truck or shopping cart. “Anything that ain’t nailed down is up for grabs” said employee Wendell Yearwood. “Even the police will pretend to give chase to make the old folks feel young again. It does a heart good to see the community coming together.”

Elderly rioter Patti Stone was thrilled with the announcement. “I can’t riot like I used to” said Stone, “back in ’68 I ran like a gazelle and could carry 2 TV’s while being sprayed with a firehose and chased by German Shepherds. I once carried one of them console TV stereos on my back for 2 miles. That was a long time ago. 2 knee replacements and a bad hip have slowed me down considerably, but momma still need a new TV!”

Pregnant rioter Nancie Mislanik was also excited to hear the news. “Yes!” said Mislanik, “I am 8 months pregnant and can’t really loot and riot up to my full potential. With these new hours, I can get to the cigarettes and alcohol and big ticket items.”

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