Mars Inc. Announces New Anatomically Correct M&M’s

M&M’s parent company, Mars Inc., announced Thursday that the candy and the candy characters will now be anatomically correct. Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t. Hey wait that isn’t M&M’s slogan, but it seems appropriate now.

That’s right you heard correctly, your favorite candy will now have private parts. Next time you bite into a handful of M&M’s you will have a mouthful of tiny nuts and lady parts. Doesn’t that sound delicious?

Personality Crisis

In addition to the new sex organs, the characters will also be given a personality makeover. Mars Inc spokesperson, Mark Young told Madhouse News, “The characters will receive nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.” We have no idea what that means but it sounds ridiculous enough to be true.

Mars Inc. Announces New Anatomically Correct M&M’s

Young continued, “The characters will have private parts but no genders. The blue M&M will be clinically depressed, the green M&M will be a sex worker. The orange one will join Antifa and the red one will be addicted to opioids. The company said the new look is part of its “global commitment to creating a world where everyone is completely insane.”

No Brown M&M’s

Fans reacted to the news on social media with shock, disgust and humor. Daniel Nordback tweeted, “I think it’s great. I have always looked to imaginary corporate promotional characters to get my self worth in life. Growing up, my life choices were made based on the California Raisins and Snap, Crackle and Pop. I was very upset when Van Halen insisted that there were no Brown M&M’s allowed backstage. That was very sexist. I think. I am not sure anymore.”

Jeff Cross tweeted, “Really, the world is going to hell and we are worried about M&M’s. I can’t wait for humans to be extinct. There is no way we could possibly sink lower. Wake up you morons!”