ABC Taps Millionaire Heartthrob, My Pillow Guy, as Next Bachelor

-By Claudia Stavola – ABC has announced they already started filming the next season of The Bachelor with heartthrob, My Pillow Guy. The network has been receiving a lot of pressure from fans to make up for the lack of diversity. They attempted to fill the void with Matt James, but that backfired because he ended up picking a white woman who frequented Antebellum Balls (and I’m not referring to the country band).

According to show rep, Stew Nodd, “MPG [My Pillow Guy] was the logical choice. We’ve done the dumb jock thing. We did the African American thing. Let’s represent mustache culture. The guy’s wealthy as hell; and sure, money can’t buy good taste, or a good dye job, or smarts, but it can buy a shallow twit who spends every date talking about being vulnerable and having walls up.”

ABC Taps Millionaire Heartthrob, My Pillow Guy, as Next Bachelor

Instead of roses, MPG handouts pillows to the ladies he wants to continue romancing. One contestant, who asked not to be named, was eliminated and said the experience was very creepy. “When I got out of the limo and saw a guy that looked like my pervy uncle, I was confused but I was willing to give it a shot because I’m shallow and I injected my face with hyaluronic acid and caulking to be on TV. But the group dates were so weird. All he wanted to do was have pajama parties and pillow fights. One night, one of the pillows exploded and a bunch of these papers—I think they were called ‘ballots’—flew out with the name ‘Biden’ on them…whoever that is?”

Although MPG is twice divorced, he hasn’t given up on finding his soulmate. “I know my Marjorie Taylor Greene is out there somewhere. Most likely at a JC Penney, but I’m not allowed in there anymore.”